Someone on OKcupid just sent me a message saying how “interesting” I sound. I double checked my profile: it’s completely fucking empty.
Spam much?
Started PT yesterday for my back. The guy had some good points, but his attitude left a little to be desired… especially when he very cheerfully went “I think Amanda is out of shape!” (Amanda thinks you are kind of a dick.) Went out, had a fun day - it was hot so I was wearing shorts. Didn’t really think anything of it, other than the fact that they were too short for work, but it was my day off. Then I went to my grandmother’s nursing home for a ‘tea’, and some lady looked at me and said “You have the fattest legs I have ever seen. You should wear longer shorts.”
I tried to laugh it off and be polite about it, but it was hard. Especially since my aunt was there, and I could tell that she and one of their staff members were trying not to laugh. I could see the humor, because this woman is old and has some form of dementia, so her filter is pretty much gone, but still. It hurt. Two bad body comments in one day left me feeling pretty shitty.
And I decided that I don’t want to feel shitty anymore. Part of my PT exercises is to walk for a mile every day - last night I walked 1.3, tonight I walked 1.9. I found this app for my phone that helps me map my walks, but also includes nutrition information and things like that. I found a Camelbak water bottle at a yardsale, and have been carrying that around. I actually drank nothing but water today, which is a huge surprise. My eating wasn’t so great, but… tomorrow is another day. I think a huge step is the fact that I realized that today wasn’t a great eating day - I wasn’t going to have any of the hotbar at work, but it looked really good, so I ended up having three helpings. Bad.
It’s late, so I’m going to go and attempt to do some of my other PT exercises. Just wanted to make sure that I posted about this, hopefully it will help me feel more accountable.
I forgot how sick this medicine makes me. I feel like I’m going to barf.
FFFFFF
Okay. So. A bunch of people from work (and hopefully Phim) are going to karaoke next week. Most people thing that this is going to be funtimes, and will probably choose the song that they sing that night, while drunk off their ass.
Not meeee! I have already started working on a bunch of songs - I had my mind set on one, but I don’t know if I’m actually going to be able to sing it, so I was working on some others tonight. I’m probably going to practice whatever song I choose all week, so I don’t need the screen by the time that I go. Whatever song I choose will influence my outfit. I need to some up with some sort of swaying routine so I don’t just stand there like a moron, gripping the mic.
I wish I was normal and didn’t have to think about things so much. Jesus, I’m annoying myself by thinking about all of this so much, and there is still eight days to go. I did get my meds back today, so hopefully that will calm things down a touch. If not, then I’ll just make a bunch of posts about planning and questions and polls and other bullshit.
OCPD strikes again!
Sometimes on rainy days I like to curl up in my bed with a book or a movie, and pretend that the world doesn’t exist. Like I’m not connected to everyone all the time through my phone, and Tumblr, and Facebook, and Twitter (which I don’t use, but I still read), and texts… I don’t like being this connected. It makes it hard to be alone, ever. To really sleep without keeping an ear out for the phone. To concentrate at work because the entire internet is RIGHT THERE for me to look at.
I guess I have these feelings all the time, they’re just magnified on rainy days. Other times I’m busy all the time, so being connected feels like a good thing, a way to check in, know I’m not alone. But today, today I want to be alone. I don’t want anyone to call me, or text me. I’m done being a “customer service” person, with a big smile, someone who says they’re sorry a lot. I’m ready to just be me, whatever that entails. Whoever that is. Maybe I’ll take the rest of the afternoon to try and figure that out a little bit.
(Or I could just post about it. JFC)
Just got back from a visit to my doctor. Told him about the back pain, and the fact that I personally feel like I am being a weenie (even though I know that I’m not, I feel rediculous considering that almost EVERY OTHER WOMAN in my family has worse back problems than I do.) He said that I should start physical therapy, and someone is going to call me.
I lied and said that I was still on my meds, and that everything was fine. I haven’t been able to afford them, but I’m going to buy them on Thursday… fuck the oil company. I didn’t want their stupid oil anyway. (and I will pay them later in the month.)
Mom is at work… I have to go and get her in a couple of hours. I should be working on my project, but it’s rainy, I don’t want to watch anything that I have on DVD, and my bed is comfy. SOOOOOO…. Time to watch The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest. And maybe make dinner. MAYBE. In a while.
Or maybe not. Depends on how good the movie is.
I finished reading TGWTDT yesterday, and then today I watched TGWPWF (I… really hope I am getting those right, but no way in hell am I going to type out those titles every time holy shit no.)
FUCKING AMAZING. I stopped reading the first book a month or so ago, because… I didn’t like it. I got exactly 94 pages in, and just got bored. But I picked it up the other day and finished the entire book in like… four days. Now I just have to get my ass to the library to get the next one.
And the movies! I love the Swedish ones, even though I have to… read them. But they’re so perfect, and so visually stimulating that I don’t mind having to read the subtitles, even though that would normally drive me nuts.
Not going to lie, probably going to watch the last movie tomorrow. While I’m supposed to be doing other shit. Which I have promised to be working on for the last two weeks. WHOOPS.
I need to work on making myself stronger, both physically and mentally. I can’t keep pretending that everything is fine… if I want things to change then I have to make them. Everything I want to change is in my control. I just have to get off my ass and do something.
Sometimes it’s the little things that turn your day to complete shit.
which is almost funny, because I’m upset about bathroom cleaning
